Posts tagged The Boyfriend
The Archetypal Boyband Music Video
Jan 17th
My ideal Saturday morning involves me placing myself horizontally on a sofa whilst watching the music video channels for longer than is probably healthy (The Boyfriend, fetching me tea, completes this picture). This stems from my teenage years when me and my friends would socialize by going round each other houses to watch music videos on Sky. The most important Dawson’s Creek-esque conversations of my teenage years took place to a backdrop of late 90s music videos.
Years of this have led to two things. The first is that I now spend much of my days actually believing myself to be in a music video. The second is the exciting discovery that every good Boyband video needs the following four elements:
1. The Christ-like Gesture:
This is the *only* way for a Boyband member to show a climax of emotion. The frequency of the gesture should increase throughout the song, reaching a frenzied peak at the key change. Falling down on your knees whilst doing the Christ-like gesture is an ultimate display of emotion. See Mark Owen below.
Here are some more of particular note (especially note Jason Orange who holds a holy light in one hand):
Westlife really pushed this concept forward in “Flying Without Wings”. They not only coordinated their gestures (see below) but there was also levitation. Can this ever be beaten?
2. Location:
The location *must* either be an abandoned urban space or a deserted dramatic landscape. An industrial warehouse is perfect for the urban setting. A cliff top is the best for dramatic landscape. Westlife are particularly good at the latter and get bonus points for including snow in their “What About Now” below and thereby potentially making it all about climate change (“what about now, what about today” etc, etc).
Some interesting urban interior examples include Five’s “Keep On Moving”, which even features a lift, and “Beat Again” by JLS, which shows how relevant the warehouse is even today. It also features a nice urban fire escape in the background.
But the ultimate example (urban) must be Boyzone’s “No Matter What”: what is this strange abandoned factory that houses – of all things – a giant hot air balloon?
The best location award (landscape) goes to Take That “Patience”. A cliff top. Mist. A raging storm. Amazing. (Plus, I like to think the dragging of their heavy microphones up the cliff top is a reference to Christ carrying the cross up the hill, making the whole video a big metaphor for Take That making their big comeback and being prepared to be crucified by the public (but actually being showered in glory).* Ahem.
3. A mysterious female figure:
Boyzone really embrace this concept in “Baby Can I Hold You Tonight”, with not just one, but several spooky women (see below). The ideal mysterious woman should do very little apart from standing and looking a bit miserable.
A special shout out must be made for Boyzone’s “Better”, which contains the first ever mysterious male figure in a Boyband video – demonstrating how significant Stephen Gately’s coming out was to the world of pop music.
4. Water:
Ideally, the water is dripped on scantily clad Boyband members throughout the video. However, a sudden onrush of water can also be used to signal a dramatic moment in the song: for example, “Words” by Boyzone, where it unexpectedly starts raining inside a pub (strangely, no-one in pub seems that shocked). Take That’s “Back For Good” also uses rain nicely to show that the song is a sad one. However, the ultimate example must go to Take That’s “Pray”, which has water dripping all over the semi-naked Boyband members (who also obsessively make Christ-like gestures).
I’m sure there are more than four archetypes, so please do share any I’ve missed. I nearly included slow motion, the “i’m looking down but now I’m going to look up into the camera” look, and levitation almost got a whole slot of its own. JLS are also currently bringing back a concept that I hope will take off: the “mime the words you’re singing” with their brilliant “forever and a day for you” actions in “Everybody In Love”. I tried to screen grab this but they are too talented and do it too fast for me to capture.
I’ll leave you with the ultimate Boyband video: Take That’s “How Deep Is Your Love”. Whilst the song is a bit rubbish, the video is important. I like to think that, as this song marks the death of the ultimate Boyband (it was their last single before they split), all the archetypes are in meltdown.
1. Firstly, the mysterious female has gone evil. Rather than being the passive object of admiration for the Boyband, she is now in control! She has abused this power and kidnapped them all.
2. She has placed them in an urban interior (basement/warehouse) but they are all tied up and therefore unable to perform Christ-like gestures.
3. Evil mysterious female now takes them to dramatic exterior landscape – a cliff top. Hooray, we are in safe Boyband territory again! Oh no we’re not, she’s going to throw them off it!
4. And what does she throw them off into: yes, that’s right, water! Water kills the Boyband! And not even the stormy, dramatic sea; no, instead a lake by a motorway.*
*That’s a frustrated ex-english lit. student for you.
A Bullet Point List On Celebrity Big Brother
Jan 5th
I’m normally not that bothered about Celebrity Big Brother. However, in the last few days there has been a Twitter campaign calling for me to blog about it.* I’ve also discovered that The Guardian has produced a Live Blog on it; if my potential future employers are interested in it, then so am I.
However, having returned to work today, I can only cope with things if they are a bullet point list. So here we are. Everything must have a • before it. Otherwise it is meaningless chaos.
- The booing of the crowd on launch night is always an excellent indication of what is wrong with the world. This year we learnt that the British public have strong emotions of hatred towards glamour models, prostitution, home-wreckers and Stephen Baldwin’s “light of truth”. We don’t really love anything. Personally, I’m sort of fascinated by Stephen Baldwin’s smiley face and his soft soft voice which I find a bit hypnotic. Heidi Fleiss’ face is also something I marvel at.
- The hated glamour model (Nicola T) is asked by Davina: “what would be your worst nightmare in the house”? Nicola: “skid marks on the loo”. Yes, mentioning poo in your first 60 seconds on the tele is definitely a wise way forward.
- Davina was dressed as a gorilla.
- Davina: “Big Brother based the kitchen on an autopsy room”. The fact that this statement didn’t seem that weird says something. I’m not totally sure what it says. Maybe something about how Big Brother has pushed the boundaries of odd telly but now we’re a bit dulled to it. When did Big Brother jump the shark? For me, it came during Season 5 when I realized I was watching a whole episode just waiting for a housemate to be sick after Big Brother made them ride a roundabout for ages after eating party food (a moment that had been heavily previewed). Or the moment when they made the housemates cling to a climbing frame above stinging nettles.
- Back to this year, and each celebrity has a laughing clown head above their bed that will wake them up each morning. This house is definitely designed to induce a crazy meltdown. I predict Alex Reid. One day everyone will wake up and he’ll be cackling in the corner of the autopsy room dressed as Jordan with make up smeared across his face, rebelliously spelling out long words in pebbles.
- Lady Sovereign was announced as “the female Eminem”. Davina then asked: “What would be your worst type of housemate?”. Lady Sovereign: “yeah. Or, yeah. Whatever he [pointing to random man in crowd] said”. Yes she definitely has Eminem’s way with words.
- I wish I could put spaces between these bullet points. But I don’t know how. How can people manage to create the internet yet make bullet point lists on computers such hard work?
- Sisqo entered the show to a sudden and unexpected full blown performance of “The Thong Song”. But why didn’t Dane Bowers get to do a version of “You’re Out Of Your Mind” featuring guest appearance from Victoria Beckham? Do you think she was busy?
- I had a sudden realization that Dane Bowers, Peter Andre and even Gareth Gates all look a bit alike.
- Last night me and my (The Only One Who Will Watch Big Brother With Me) Flatmate watched intently as the blind by Steven Baldwin’s bed went down, crushed a few of his things, went up again, and then back down. This sequence took at least 5 minutes. It is moments like this that make me feel like I’ve wasted my life.
- And that’s your lot. I’ve just found a “101 Things Removed From The Human Body” on tele.
*A whole 3 people suggested I did, which I think constitutes a campaign, even if one of them was The Boyfriend.