Posts tagged Cheryl Cole
X Factor 2010: 10 Things That Will Definitely Happen
Aug 20th
THE X FACTOR IS BACK. This is *significant* news. Not only does this mean that it’s very nearly Christmas, it also means that I am officially back, blogging with a vengeance! *Screams of delight from Internet Following (aka Flatmates)*.
For my first official X Factor post of 2010 *scream*, I have decided to publish 10 things that will definitely happen this year *gasp*. The aim of this post is that when each comes true I will be officially recognised as the Voice of Popular Culture and quickly approached to live blog for the Guardian *nods of agreement*.
(I’ve decided it’s best to tell readers exactly how to react to the Blog).
So here we go:
1. Grandparents will be inordinately mentioned (an average of at least four mentions per episode. I will be counting).
Whilst it’s great that most people love their grandparents, an average X Factor episode includes at least four contestants wailing backstage that if they miss the big note, a grandparent will spontaneously implode.
This year it will be taken up a notch, with a Live Final Group being actually composed of grandchild and grandparent, so that grandchild can directly wail/cry at grandparent (voted out week 3).
2. A pair will audition. One will be told they’re quite good; the other rubbish. Simon will tell them that if the quite good one comes back alone, they’ve got a chance.
The quite good one will come back alone. They won’t have a chance.
3. The songs chosen will almost be entirely from Glee.
As much as I love it, the X Factor favours replication over innovation and the songs from Glee are tested crowd-pleasers.
There will almost certainly be mash-ups.
4. Louis will put someone through simply because they’re Irish.
I’m thinking the Conway Sisters, I’m thinking Jedward. I’m thinking the McDougal Brothers (whoops, they were Scottish).
5. A failed ex-Boyband member will audition.
The poor fellow will be put all the way through to Judges’ Houses before being rejected. Again.
6. The Judges will pick their top 24. The Judges will then be filmed driving away and Simon will say “I think we’ve made a mistake”. They will then put someone through at the last minute.
This will definitely happen.
7. A girl group will be voted out first week.
Ideally they will be dressed like strippers. Just because this always works well for a group. It’s tradition.
8. There will be Gaga.
The premise of the X Factor has always been to, well, duh, find somebody with the X Factor, that little bit special and unique. Simon Cowell recently said that Lady Gaga was “the most relevant pop artist in the world at the moment”. Any fan of the X Factor will know that this is MASSIVE PRAISE as being relevant is the greatest compliment an artist could ever get. The X Factor/Pop Idol has previously flirted with artists who are truly interesting, quirky and unique (Diana Vickers, Rhydian, Adam Lambert): and I think this year will be full of Gaga-esque performers. This means quirky females with attitude, who occasionally do something shocking on stage. They won’t win, as the quirky ones never do. But they’ll get quite far.
Either way, someone will do Bad Romance. I can just feel it. It won’t be good. Or it will be amazing. I’m not sure. Whatever happens, there will definitely be cat gestures.
9. The 28’s and over category will be comprised of three 28 year olds.
The over 25s category used to be one of the hardest to mentor; until last year, that was, when they finally worked out that you could fill it with 25 year olds. This year they’ve upped the age limit of this category and – if they have sense – they’ll fill it with 28 year olds (I’m nearly 28 and I could definitely still be a successful popstar). That is unless Louis Walsh gets the category, which he would fill with an 80 year old called Bert (who is Irish).
10. A group will win.
X Factor has shown it can produce successful female winners (Leona, Alexandra) and that it usually doesn’t produce successful male winners (Steve, Leon, Shayne). Following JLS, 2010 is the year to show a group can win. Cheryl will therefore get the groups.
If at least 50% of these don’t happen I will buy Joe McElderry’s album.
I can’t wait! Please share your own predictions below.
P.S. 11. No one will be as good as Diana Vickers.
How To Be More Like Jake Gyllenhaal
Jul 1st
If my first choice career of being approached by my Literary Agent Flatmate to write exciting novels on, err, Popular Culture somehow falls through, I do have a Plan B. Dream career Plan B involves establishing the World’s First School For Reality TV Stars. In this Academy, I’d train potential contestants on crucial elements such as how to create the strongest back story in a VT, how to perform a song so that people say you’ve made it your own, and, finally – but most importantly - how to react to your victory/getting voted out.
In fact, there will be a whole semester on the latter.
I was reminded of the importance of this by Wimbledon. Yesterday, lovely Federer was beaten by Berdych. On first watch, I thought Berdych’s reacted to this shock victory by, well, seemingly pointing and laughing at Federer. This is not good. If Wimbledon was decided by phone votes, Berdych would be out immediately in the next round.*
Lucky for Berdych, Tennis isn’t decided by phone votes. Yet. But for when it is, here’s a taster of my masterclass on How To Win And Lose In Reality TV.
[EDIT: It may have been pointed out that Berdych is not actually pointing and laughing at Federer but at the crowd instead. So he's not horrible after all. But if he had, that would have been horrible, and therefore it would have been the perfect analogy to start my blog with. Nevermind.]
Rule Number 1: If you get voted out, don’t get angry.
Andrew Lloyd Webber’s greatest innovation has been taking the ”isn’t it sad you’ve been voted out” moment of TV talent shows to a new, shocking level, by forcing devastated voted-out contestants to sing a mocking musical number all about the fact they’ve been voted out. Fascinating and hideous.
Back in 2007, Andrew was hunting for the West End’s new Joseph in “Any Dream Will Do”. Seamus, the oldest contestant, was voted out in week three. Over-confident Seamus goes into meltdown at this result: firstly he looks like he wants to kill everybody. Secondly, he declares it’s all “a conspiracy theory” (i.e. “my mum tried to vote 19 times but kept getting the engaged tone”). Thirdly, he fights a bit with his fellow Josephs when they try to take his Technicolour Dreamcoat off him. And to top that all off, he even changes the lyrics of his eviction song, which would have come across as quite witty if he hadn’t proceeded to hit several notes that definitely weren’t meant to be in the song. Truly painful and yet amazing viewing. Just watch this clip.
Rule Number 2: If you win, blub like a trooper
Alexandra Burke’s reaction to winning the X Factor divides opinion, but I say collapsing on Cheryl Cole whilst blubbing like a maniac is an amazing way to do it. I’ve discussed the clip below before, but I’m not above rehashing old material so it’s worth me enumerating why it’s so great all over again:
1. Her crying is genuine, slightly ugly, proper fall on your knees wailing.
2. After losing, one of JLS misunderstands and thinks he is Obama and says something like “because of this moment, others have hope. Victory after Victory”.
3. When Dermot offers to show her her single Alex says “yes please” like a baby.
4. Despite breaking down mid song with overwhelming emotion she recovers like a trouper and belts out enormous, epic notes. The other contestants are practically holding her up in the final notes.
5. Diana Vickers STILL has no shoes on.
Rule Number 3: Don’t react until you’re definitely sure you’ve won
Surely it could never happen that a Reality TV Host would ever get it wrong and announce the wrong person as the winner, could it? (Yes, it’s happened. So always count for 5 seconds before reacting).
Rule Number 4: If one of your friends gets voted out ,don’t run on stage at the end and steal their thunder.
I’m sure my house created the nickname “Eggnog” for Eoghan from X Factor. Either way, Eggnog made a major faux pas when he got through to the X Factor final and his bessie mate Diana Vickers got voted out. Diana Vickers is trying to finish her goodbye song with a bit of dignity. She’s barely finishing her last note before Eggnog’s running on stage shoving his face in the camera and trying to snog her. This is Diana’s moment, Eggnog. Move over. (Although I do find it sort of sweet. Sort of).
Rule Number 5: Be more like Jake Gyllenhaal
Jake Gyllenhaal’s reaction to his Best Supporting Actor BAFTA win back in 2006 is just the way to do it, on all counts. So if all else fails, try being more like Jake Gyllenhaal.
Rule Number 6: No matter how bad it feels when you lose, think about how yours fans are taking it.
I think this is my favourite reaction to, well, anything ever. Two girls react to Adam Lambert (wrongfully) losing in the final to American Idol. Why were they filming themselves? I have no idea, but it’s absolutely brilliant.
I’m still laughing.
*And Andy Roddick would be voted back in, mainly because he has amazing eyes.