We’ve had the first X Factor episode of 2010 and 2.5 – yes 2.5 – of my predictions have already materialised. That’s no.2, no.3 and half of no.8. (It looks like Joe Celery’s* album might not be gracing my CD shelves after all).

I’m going to save my main X Factor blogging for the Live Finals and, instead, this week I’ve been inspired by a recent Guardian article on the six best X Factor performances of all time. (I also figure that if I send the Guardian web traffic they might be more willing to approach me to Live Blog for them). However, I do feel the Guardian missed a few classics. So below are five more for inclusion.

Diana Vickers – “Call Me”

Vickers did some downright quirky performances in season four of the X Factor, which were mostly 100% amazing. Who else could get away with singing “Man In The Mirror” with their back to the audience? Or “I’m Not A Girl (Not Yet A Woman)”, Britney’s weirdest song (yes, and that includes “If You Seek Amy” and the really bizarre one about threesomes)? But Vickers’ best had to be the amazing “Call Me”: Vickers rocks out on a bench, surrounded by roller-skaters, for no real reason. It works perfectly and essentially she is prefiguring Glee two years early. By far the most interesting contestant the X Factor’s ever had. 

Alexandra Burke – “Candyman”

“Candyman” was Alexandra’s equivalent of Leona Lewis’ “Summertime”: a breakthrough performance that screamed star quality. It was in this performance that Alex hinted that she might be the first proper popstar the X Factor had produced: someone who could both sing and dance. At the same time.

Shayne Ward – “Take Ya Mama”

Shayne Ward should have been massive (the British Justin Timberlake, I tell you). And this performance marked something significant. For the first time they gave a contestant a song released just ONE YEAR BEFORE. Yes, this is where they started to realise that “relevance” was importance.

Shayne had a brilliant voice (the male equivalent of Leona) and the *best* falsetto – and here he sings a song about coming out to your mum by taking her clubbing in that falsetto and yet still sounds quite masculine. If only he hadn’t released a solo single with the lyric “I want to thank your mother just for giving you birth” and he might have been amazing. Please come back with some excellent material, Shayne.

4. Ruth Lorenzo – “Always”

Ruth was interesting because she was kind of like Shakira crossed with Bon Jovi. Ignore the odd wobbly note in the below performance (she’d just been voted out) and this is proper fall-on-your-knees-with-emotion singing, which anyone who’s seen me do karaoke will know is my absolute favourite kind. By the end of the song there is essentially just screaming occurring and it sounds bloody (fist shakingly) brilliant.

5. Leona Lewis and Take That  – “A Million Love Songs”

It’s got to be the best ever X Factor duet. From the “Ladies and Gentleman…Take That!”, to the amazing key change and the fact that Mark, Jason and Howard occasionally look a bit lost, it’s just pure brilliance. And even better for the moment four minutes in where Gary Barlow tells Simon Cowell that he better not give Leona the usual sh*t album he’s given previous winners, or else.

I can think of at least three more (Alexandra & Beyonce’s “Listen”, JLS’ “Umbrella”, Stacey Solomon’s “Who Wants To Live Forever”) but must leave it there before the YouTube videos crash my page. Plus I really want to watch CSI Miami. A Blog post may also emerge on some of the more car crash performances too (I’m thinking of several weird performances by siblings who seemed to be singing love songs to each other).

Please do share your own thoughts. If you comment it makes my Literary Agent Flatmate believe that I have a large Internet Following and therefore makes it more likely she’ll ask me to write books.

*Spell check changes it to this and I quite like it.

For my first official X Factor post of 2010 *scream*, I have decided to publish 10 things that will definitely happen this year *gasp*. The aim of this post is that when each comes true I will be officially recognised as the Voice of Popular Culture and quickly approached to live blog for the Guardian *nods of agreement*.

(I’ve decided it’s best to tell readers exactly how to react to the Blog).

So here we go:

1. Grandparents will be inordinately mentioned (an average of at least four mentions per episode. I will be counting).

Whilst it’s great that most people love their grandparents, an average X Factor episode includes at least four contestants wailing backstage that if they miss the big note, a grandparent will spontaneously implode.

This year it will be taken up a notch, with a Live Final Group being actually composed of grandchild and grandparent, so that grandchild can directly wail/cry at grandparent (voted out week 3).

2. A pair will audition. One will be told they’re quite good; the other rubbish. Simon will tell them that if the quite good one comes back alone, they’ve got a chance.

The quite good one will come back alone. They won’t have a chance.

3. The songs chosen will almost be entirely from Glee.

As much as I love it, the X Factor favours replication over innovation and the songs from Glee are tested crowd-pleasers.

There will almost certainly be mash-ups.

4. Louis will put someone through simply because they’re Irish.

I’m thinking the Conway Sisters, I’m thinking Jedward. I’m thinking the McDougal Brothers (whoops, they were Scottish).

5. A failed ex-Boyband member will audition.

The poor fellow will be put all the way through to Judges’ Houses before being rejected. Again.

6. The Judges will pick their top 24. The Judges will then be filmed driving away and Simon will say “I think we’ve made a mistake”. They will then put someone through at the last minute.

This will definitely happen.

7. A girl group will be voted out first week.

Ideally they will be dressed like strippers. Just because this always works well for a group. It’s tradition.

8. There will be Gaga.

The premise of the X Factor has always been to, well, duh, find somebody with the X Factor, that little bit special and unique. Simon Cowell recently said that Lady Gaga was “the most relevant pop artist in the world at the moment”. Any fan of the X Factor will know that this is MASSIVE PRAISE as being relevant is the greatest compliment an artist could ever get.  The X Factor/Pop Idol has previously flirted with artists who are truly interesting, quirky and unique (Diana Vickers, Rhydian, Adam Lambert): and I think this year will be full of Gaga-esque performers. This means quirky females with attitude, who occasionally do something shocking on stage. They won’t win, as the quirky ones never do. But they’ll get quite far.

Either way, someone will do Bad Romance. I can just feel it. It won’t be good. Or it will be amazing. I’m not sure. Whatever happens, there will definitely be cat gestures.

9. The 28’s and over category will be comprised of three 28 year olds.

The over 25s category used to be one of the hardest to mentor; until last year, that was, when they finally worked out that you could fill it with 25 year olds. This year they’ve upped the age limit of this category and – if they have sense – they’ll fill it with 28 year olds (I’m nearly 28 and I could definitely still be a successful popstar). That is unless Louis Walsh gets the category, which he would fill with an 80 year old called Bert (who is Irish).

10. A group will win.

X Factor has shown it can produce successful female winners (Leona, Alexandra) and that it usually doesn’t produce successful male winners (Steve, Leon, Shayne). Following JLS, 2010 is the year to show a group can win. Cheryl will therefore get the groups.

If at least 50% of these don’t happen I will buy Joe McElderry’s album.

I can’t wait! Please share your own predictions below.

P.S. 11. No one will be as good as Diana Vickers.

Thankfully in 2010, there’s very little suggestion that Joe’s sexuality might negatively affect his musical career and countless examples to prove it won’t (Boyzone, Westlife, The Feeling, Scissor Sisters). Lucky Joe is also walking in someone else’s footsteps: almost eight years earlier Will Young traversed an almost identical path. Realty TV shows like Pop Idol give record companies less say over the artists they must take on; and, back in 2002, when Will Young won the first ever Pop Idol, his record company happened to get a gay winner. Like Joe, Will was a pioneer in that he came out at the beginning of what’s proven to be a multi-million selling pop career.

Will was out, but in early interviews was always reluctant to discuss his private life. To quote his News Of The World coming out article:

“I don’t wish to talk about it any further and I hope that people will respect that as my private life is my private life […] I’ve always been discreet… I’m not a campaigner when it comes to my sexuality”.

And fair enough: no-one should either feel forced to talk about their sexuality or to keep quiet about it. But, I couldn’t help but feel slightly sad at these comments. The implication is that it’s OK to be gay, but it’s something very private and it’s better not to talk about the details. Growing up, what I really wanted was a gay popstar who was willing to talk – and occasionally sing – about being gay.

And the “sing about it” is where it gets interesting (I promise), in that being gay creates a tension for a popstar. At the core of this career choice is the need to sing about your love life very, well, publically. And whilst songs – particularly in pop – don’t need to be autobiographical, if you want to be a vaguely credible artist there’s the need for *some* illusion that you are singing from experience.

Which leads me to nicely to the point of this blog post: in 2010 it is OK to be a gay popstar, but it’s still not that OK to sing about it. I can hardly think of a mainstream pop song, sung by a man, explicitly to another man.

And you say: it shouldn’t really matter if there is a gender reference or not, right? Universality is often the key to a great song and love is love. Which is fine, until you think that in your average straight male artist’s repertoire I bet you there’ll be – at some point – the odd reference to “woman”, “she” or “girl”. Or a music video with a mysterious female in it. Rather than gender references not mattering, it seems that in songs sung by gay men they’re actively avoided in favour of neutrality.

As a gay person you’re constantly surrounded by representations of heterosexual relationships: most music videos contain a male-female relationship. TV bed adverts (my pet hate) show exclusively heterosexual couples (gay people don’t need beds). In fact, virtually every TV advert that depicts a relationship shows a heterosexual one. Which in both pop music and TV advertising might seem fair enough, with approximately 90% of the population being straight. But it would be nice if there was even just the odd mainstream pop song sung by a man to a “he” or “man”. I think many gay men do want this: I remember the online debates about whether Boyzone’s first single after Stephen Gately came out included him singing “oh boy” (it didn’t, it was “oh baby”).

Scrolling through my iPod, I can find but one example in mainstream pop. Over the years Will Young did open up more about his sexuality, leading the pack in 2005 by singing about “Mr Fabulous” in his hit single “Switch It On”; and then spoils us even more with a brilliant music video that happens to be a gay spoof to Top Gun.

And it’s not all doom and gloom: I did also find a few examples of artists singing about gay experiences. The Feeling’s “Rose” is a fantastic metaphor for alternative sexuality; whilst the Scissor Sister’s “Take Your Mama” is a guide for coming out to your mum. Both are quite coded, but all the better for it because they offer numerous interpretations for the listener. But I still rack my brain, and my iPod, to find a simple love song sung by a man, to another man. Is it the last pop music taboo? Or is it because my musical encyclopaedia is too small (and if so please do prove me wrong in the comments section. Or if you agree, comment anyway. It helps create a “buzz” around my blog, which helps me prove to Literary Agent Flatmate that I should be published immediately).

Onwards, and Boyzone’s 2008 single “Better” deserves mention. This release truly did push boundaries: not through the song, which contains no gay references, but instead in the music video, the first ever by a Boyband to replace the ubiquitous mysterious female love interest with a mysterious male. Neutral, schmeutral.

What about women singing about women then? Well, recently there’s been an exciting proliferation of seemingly straight women singing pop songs specifically about lesbian inclinations. Katy Perry had a worldwide number one with “I Kissed A Girl” and Rihanna’s current single “Te Amo” is all about the unrequited love of another woman, which the music video shows, well, vividly. The amazing Gaga – pioneering as ever – takes it a (confusing) step further by pretending to be a gay man in her “Alejandro” video. And it’s not completely one sided: Franz Ferdinand’s “Michael” is all about, well, lust for Michael. And McFly – in-between removing their clothes for magazines – did a fantastic cover of “I Kissed A Girl”.

But it’s interesting that the majority of people in the mainstream singing about gay love are all, seemingly, well, straight.

Let’s end coming full circle to Joe Mcelderry and more specifically the last year’s X Factor that created him. Cast your minds back to week one, when contestant Danyl sang “I’m Telling You”, an unusual (but great) song choice very much associated with a female singer. Judge Dannii Minogue caused uproar when stating that openly bisexual Danyl need not have changed the song’s gender references from male to female. The media attacked Dannii, but she had a valid point – if sexuality doesn’t matter, why when you’re bisexual should you need to bother changing the gender to ensure the song is heterosexual? This wasn’t the only time gender references were changed in the series: another contestant, Lloyd, sang “I Kissed A Girl” but altered the line “hope my boyfriend don’t mind it” to “girlfriend”. Not only did this awkwardly change the meaning of the song from one of sexual experimentation to nonsensical infidelity, it just felt unnecessary in 2009.

At times the pop music world is at the forefront of gay equality, but it still has some way to go. Bring on the day Joe Mcelderry can launch his solo career with a worldwide number one called “I Kissed A Boy”. Oh and whilst we’re at it, the day when a footballer comes out.

*From the brilliant musical “Avenue Q”. Go see it. Incidentally, I should be a lyricist as the next line totally rhymes.

Literary Agent Flatmate’s mistake got me thinking about the other misheard lyrics I’ve come across and how they can change a song’s meaning. Half a day later, I had a top 10 and a blog post. So here are my favourite for you; and please add your own in the comments.

1. Grease: “You’re The One That I Want”

9 years ago my friend Lucy rightly pointed out that the cast of Grease actually sing “you’re the one that I want (you are the vol-au-vent)” rather than this widely believed “you’re the one that I want (you are the one I want)”. The pretentious ex-English Lit student part of me is convinced an amazing Lyricist put this in as a subversive comment on the depressing ending of Grease. Small hollow shells of puff pastry, after all, are a pretty good metaphor for the person Sandy has to become to make Danny like her.

Misheard: “You’re the one that I want (you are the vol-au-vent)”

Actual: “You’re the one that I want (you are the one I want)”

Click to hear

2. Celine Dion: “My Heart Will Go On”

Misheard: “Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the hot dogs go on”

Actual: “Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on”

Any attempt to take Titanic seriously was ruined by the French & Saunders parody. The final nail in the coffin was The Boyfriend pointing out that Celine is actually singing about an impossibly long, omnipresent hot dog.

Click to hear

3. Lady Gaga: “Alejandro”

I think there might be something about me and food. Because my third mishearing is:

Misheard: “I love you boy, hot like Mexico, rejoice! At this point I gotta choose, no vindaloos”

Actual: “I love you boy, hot like Mexico, rejoice! At this point I gotta choose, nothing to lose”

Incidentally, is “hot like Mexico” the best ever simile in a song? Probably yes.

Click to hear

4.  Shania Twain: “That Don’t Impress Me Much”

Misheard: “I can’t believe you kiss your [expletive too rude for this family friendly blog] at night”

Actual: “I can’t believe you kiss your car good night”

We used to be allowed the the radio on in class when I studied A Level Art back in the early noughties and every time this song came on the whole class would all sing, shouting out the misheard line. The misheard and actual phrases sound so similar the teacher never realised we were being rude, which was really hilarious. Once you have the first line in your head, you can never hear the real lyrics again. (Shania is right to express disbelief at either scenario).

Click to hear

5. Shania Twain: “That Don’t Impress Me Much”

Misheard: “You’re a regular Reginald, know it all”

Actual: “You’re a regular, original, know it all”

Another from Shania, this mistake was actually made by a karaoke machine and has now stuck. The karaoke machine was much more inventive than the original lyricist: what name better embodies the concept of a “know it all” than Reginald? Apologies to any Reginald’s in my Internet Following.

Click to hear

5. Janet Jackson: “When I Think Of You”

For years, I was convinced that Janet Jackson sung the words “baked bean” in “When I Think Of You”. I now admit that I was probably wrong.

Misheard: “So in love (so in love), ooh (so in love), with you (so in love), baked bean (so in love)”.

Actual: “So in love (so in love), ooh (so in love), with you (so in love), ba-by (so in love)”.

Click to hear

6. Des’ree: “Kissing You”

Is Des’ree’s Kissing You one of the greatest songs never released? Possibly yes. Even if it is lyrically incomprehensible. For years Literary Agent Flatmate believed the opening lyrics were:

Misheard: “While I can stand a thousand trials, Mr Wrong will never fall. The marching stars, without you my soul cries. Bleeding heart…”

Actual: “Pride can stand a thousand trials, the strong will never fall. But watching stars without you, my soul cries. Heaving heart…”

Essentially, quite different songs.

Click to hear

7. Mariah Carey: “Without You”

Misheard: “No, I can’t forget the ceiling, or your face as you were leaving”

Actual: “No, I can’t forget this evening, or your face as you were leaving”

I always loved the idea that Mariah (even though she didn’t write it, and it’s a cover) was being really clever here and suggesting she’d spent all night unable to sleep, pondered her about-to-end relationship, and therefore had been staring at the ceiling for approximately 12 hours. For me that whole pre-story was summed up in those first six words. Never mind. A much ruder mishearing of this song is here.

Click to hear

8. Lady Gaga: “Bad Romance”

Misheard: “I want your psycho, your vertical stick. Want you tomorrow when no baby is sick.”

Actual: “I want your psycho, your vertigo stick. Want you in my rear window, baby you’re sick”

I had no idea what Gaga was on about here (although I suspected that “vertical stick” was a bad Mills & Boons-esque euphemism and I’d also constructed a small back story around Gaga’s love interest in Bad Romance being married; and his child was ill today so he had to cancel their rendezvous). In actuality, Gaga is being much cleverer than I could have imagined and referring to a range of Hitchcock movies: Psycho, Vertigo and Rear Window. I *actually* love her.

Click to hear

9. Take That: “Back For Good”

My housemate was convinced that Gary Barlow was singing “Wash your back” rather than “want you back” throughout this song. I also thought that Barlow sung: “we will never be uncommon again” when it’s actually “uncovered again”. Neither of these interpretations make any sense, but I’m at number nine and struggling a bit, so they will do nicely.

Misheard: “Want you back for good (wash your back, wash your back)”

Actual: “Want you back for good (want you back, want you back)”

Click to hear

10. Bowling For Soup: “Girl All The Bad Guys Want”

Misheard: “She doesn’t notice me cos she’s watching West Wing”

Actual: “She doesn’t notice me cos she’s watching Wrestling”

Suggested by one of my Twitter friends, I wish the song did actually refer to the popular American TV series, the West Wing. And that watching it was the epitome of cool. Excitingly, this is the first time the blog has ventured into the musical genre of pop-punk.

Click to hear

Fell free to share your own in the comments section! And visit this brilliant website for more.

Turning over a new leaf, I’ve embarked on a new direction: a post full of Love, inspired by, who else but “singer, actor, dancer, musical performer, and media personality” John Barrowman. And why does JB deserve such love, you ask? “You fools!” I say, ”here are a mere 10 reasons why”.

1. It’s John Barrowman’s fault that I’m gay

Does anyone remember an amazing children’s TV show circa 1994 called “The Movie Game”, which JB presented? I do, because it was BRILLIANT and, in it, contestants made their way around a life-size board game, landing on squares that magicaly transported you to a movie set for an exciting challenge.

Onto the point: it was watching this show aged 12 that I realised that the American host was very attractive – and thereby by extension that the male sex were generally so too. If JB – the epitome of male attractiveness – hadn’t been on tele at this pivotal moment in my life, would I still be gay? I’m not 100% sure.

2. He presented “Live & Kicking”

There was no better way to spend a Saturday morning in your early teens than sat next to the video recorder frantically jabbing the record button to ensure that every 10 second snippet of your favourite band who were on Live & Kicking that week was recorded for posterity. And JB presented it.

3. He stared in “Megaladon: Shark Attack 3”

Who doesn’t love a good shark attack movie?  It’s a little known fact that JB starred in one of the best. Megaldaon 3 is a straight-to-video epic tale of a prehistoric 100 foot shark from the ice age terrorising a small US sea-side community. Unfortunately the budget didn’t match the creative ambition of the project and it looks like they could only afford the one stock image of a shark jumping out of the water. This doesn’t ruin the film’s impact though as I barely noticed that every time someone was eaten the same clip of a shark leaping out of the water was shown with various victims superimposed on top. As if it couldn’t get better, the film also includes JB articulating the most wildly inappropriate one-liner ever (too rude for this Blog). All of it makes me love JB more.

4. He was a first

JB’s character of Captain Jack in Doctor Who and Torchwood broke boundaries. He was the first non-heterosexual action hero in a mainstream TV show – and in a children’s TV show to boot.

Plus, the 5-parter of Torchwood on BBC was genuinely one of the best shows on tele last year. John Barrowman was pretty epic in it; especially when he happened to get naked whilst being stuck in a concrete block.

5. He has two accents

In 2008, JB took part in a BBC Documentary, to determine why he was gay (nature, nurture, etc). This led to an interesting moment where JB wired up his private parts to sensors and was then made to look at nice pictures of men to see if he fancied them. (I sometimes wonder if the wiring of the privates was really necessary in the name of science? He could probably have just told us if he liked the nice pictures of men). Anyway, there was a genuinely monumental discovery in this Documentary, when JB travelled home to meet his Scottish parents and without warning erupted into a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SCOTTISH ACCENT. It was so Scottish he practically became a walking bagpipe. I cannot express how much I love it when he says: “You dressed me in a bikini!”.

6. He’s a Leading Man

Star of too many musicals to mention, his leading man status was best epitomised for me in the amazing TV show he hosted recently where celebrities sang classics from musicals. JB comes on at the end to perform, starting with an amazing Jesus Christ Superstar, which he merges seamlessly into the Rocky Horror Show. Then something odd happens and for some reason other people who are not JB sing for a while; and then everything is good  again when JB reappears and belts out an amazing “One Day More” from Les Mis to end. Watch it to believe it.

7. He knows how to judge a Reality TV Show

Who else could get away with tasks like “all the contestants must kiss me and through this I’ll pick which one would make the best Maria in the Sound of Music”?

8. He duets like no one has before  

Any of you who read my blog during the X Factor would know, I love gender reversal in songs. JB, unafraid to challenge stereotypes, recently took on “I Know Him So Well” with the lovely Daniel Boys – a classic musical duet sang by two women in love with the same man. There are so few songs sang by men that are overtly about men, which makes this bloody refreshing to hear.

9. He provided the world with an emotional life-anthem

Whilst we’re on music, his cover of “I Made It Through the Rain” become a phenomena last year when radio presenter Chris Moyles tried to get it to the top of the charts. It is a monumental, epic ballad about triumphing through adversity and when JB sings about his parade you just know it’s undoubtedly great.

10. He’s a great role model

And, can I end with a disclaimer at the bottom please, just in case JB ever reads this (which is, no doubt, likely). Despite the occasional moments of affectionate ribbing above (characteristic of my posts) I genuinely think JB is great. As an openly gay, married man he’s a fantastic role model for young gay people. And I particularly love the below glimpse into his married life.

JB, if you’re reading, the blog would also really love a signed photo.

Right, there you go. I used the world love at least eleven times in that post, so the Boyfriend should be very pleased.

P.S. I refuse to acknowledge the rumours about him and birthday cake.

1. I hate cartoons.

 According to my mum, as a child I refused to watch cartoons “because they are not real”. This has continued into adulthood where I still believe there is nothing worse than the bit in Mary Poppins when it becomes a cartoon. Why couldn’t they have got a load of real animals and made it look like they were singing?

2. I don’t think Ross and Rachel should have ended up together in Friends.

I love Friends, but the last episode was pretty rubbish. Made all the worse by the fact that at this point in the series Ross had become a caricature of himself and him and Rachel hadn’t bothered dating for at least six seasons. So when they suddenly got together at the end of the last episode it just didn’t feel real. Like cartoons.

3. I think Diana Vickers is the best thing to have come out of the X Factor.

Yes, better than Leona. I know, I know, she can’t sing as well but I love her quirky pop and even the claw. Watch, for example, this amazing video where she acts out the whole of her song with the claw, including being stabbed by an arrow just before each chorus.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Does it matter that I only understand three words in the song? No.

4. I think Build Me Up Buttercup is the worst song of all time.

Yes, worse even than Chumbawumba’s “Tubthumping”. There’s something about “Build Me Up Buttercup” that sums up every rubbish night out I had at university spent in a club I didn’t really want to be in, dancing to rubbish music with groups of people alternating between inappropriately snogging each other and crying. Those introductory bars are enough to make me shudder.

5. I spent 26 years of my life believing that Wolves were not real.

When during an important work meeting I announced that wolves weren’t real, but were in fact mythical beasts, I genuinely believed it.  

6. If it had been an Andy Murray & Andy Roddick Wimbledon final, I would have supported Roddick.

Shocking, I know and completely unpatriotic. But it’s very much my rule in sport that everyone should win at least once and Federer was a bit selfish last year when he beat Roddick when he’d already won five times before. So I felt it was Roddick’s year. Plus Roddick has really nice eyes.

7. I think ice-cream is too cold.

I also think generally it’s a waste of time. Bring me a bowl of custard instead any day.

8. I often secretly watch Price Drop TV.

I find these programmes sickly addictive and am getting increasingly persuaded to nearly buy things.  Like these amazing vacuum-suction storage bags I saw on the other night. They look amazing! Really good value too.

9. I once went to a Boyzone concert (just to support the friend who’s been 11 times) and got so drunk I was sick on the tube on the way home.

In my defence, the tickets were free and we had a free box at the O2. There is nothing to excuse the vomiting on the tube or the fact that I know all the actions to “A Different Beat” (a song that incomprehensibly rhymes “Africa” with “Niagara”).

10. I find Derren Brown attractive  

Maybe everyone does and that confusing TV show he did where he predicted the lottery results was actually full of subliminal message around his attractiveness?  Maybe.

There we go Internet Following. Now please share some of yours. So that I feel less humiliated.

In fact, there will be a whole semester on the latter.

I was reminded of the importance of this by Wimbledon. Yesterday, lovely Federer was beaten by Berdych. On first watch, I thought Berdych’s reacted to this shock victory by, well, seemingly pointing and laughing at Federer. This is not good. If Wimbledon was decided by phone votes, Berdych would be out immediately in the next round.* 

Click here to view the embedded video.

Lucky for Berdych, Tennis isn’t decided by phone votes. Yet. But for when it is, here’s a taster of my masterclass on How To Win And Lose In Reality TV.

[EDIT: It may have been pointed out that Berdych is not actually pointing and laughing at Federer but at the crowd instead. So he's not horrible after all. But if he had, that would have been horrible, and therefore it would have been the perfect analogy to start my blog with. Nevermind.]

Rule Number 1: If you get voted out, don’t get angry.

Andrew Lloyd Webber’s greatest innovation has been taking the ”isn’t it sad you’ve been voted out” moment of TV talent shows to a new, shocking level, by forcing devastated voted-out contestants to sing a mocking musical number all about the fact they’ve been voted out. Fascinating and hideous.

Back in 2007, Andrew was hunting for the West End’s new Joseph in “Any Dream Will Do”. Seamus, the oldest contestant, was voted out in week three. Over-confident Seamus goes into meltdown at this result: firstly he looks like he wants to kill everybody. Secondly, he declares it’s all “a conspiracy theory” (i.e. “my mum tried to vote 19 times but kept getting the engaged tone”). Thirdly, he fights a bit with his fellow Josephs when they try to take his Technicolour Dreamcoat off him. And to top that all off, he even changes the lyrics of his eviction song, which would have come across as quite witty if he hadn’t proceeded to hit several notes that definitely weren’t meant to be in the song. Truly painful and yet amazing viewing. Just watch this clip.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Rule Number 2: If you win, blub like a trooper

Alexandra Burke’s reaction to winning the X Factor divides opinion, but I say collapsing on Cheryl Cole whilst blubbing like a maniac is an amazing way to do it. I’ve discussed the clip below before, but I’m not above rehashing old material so it’s worth me enumerating why it’s so great all over again: 

1. Her crying is genuine, slightly ugly, proper fall on your knees wailing.

2. After losing, one of JLS misunderstands and thinks he is Obama and says something like “because of this moment, others have hope. Victory after Victory”.

3. When Dermot offers to show her her single Alex says “yes please” like a baby.

4. Despite breaking down mid song with overwhelming emotion she recovers like a trouper and belts out enormous, epic notes. The other contestants are practically holding her up in the final notes.

5. Diana Vickers STILL has no shoes on.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Rule Number 3: Don’t react until you’re definitely sure you’ve won

Surely it could never happen that a Reality TV Host would ever get it wrong and announce the wrong person as the winner, could it? (Yes, it’s happened. So always count for 5 seconds before reacting).

Click here to view the embedded video.

Rule Number 4: If one of your friends gets voted out ,don’t run on stage at the end and steal their thunder.

I’m sure my house created the nickname “Eggnog” for Eoghan from X Factor. Either way, Eggnog made a major faux pas when he got through to the X Factor final and his bessie mate Diana Vickers got voted out. Diana Vickers is trying to finish her goodbye song with a bit of dignity. She’s barely finishing her last note before Eggnog’s running on stage shoving his face in the camera and trying to snog her. This is Diana’s moment, Eggnog. Move over. (Although I do find it sort of sweet. Sort of).

Click here to view the embedded video.

Rule Number 5: Be more like Jake Gyllenhaal

Jake Gyllenhaal’s reaction to his Best Supporting Actor BAFTA win back in 2006 is just the way to do it, on all counts. So if all else fails, try being more like Jake Gyllenhaal.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Rule Number 6: No matter how bad it feels when you lose, think about how yours fans are taking it.

I think this is my favourite reaction to, well, anything ever. Two girls react to Adam Lambert (wrongfully) losing in the final to American Idol. Why were they filming themselves? I have no idea, but it’s absolutely brilliant.

Click here to view the embedded video.

I’m still laughing.

*And Andy Roddick would be voted back in, mainly because he has amazing eyes.

Planning my comeback after a gap of three months, I now know exactly how famous musicians feel whilst writing the difficult second album. What do the public *want*, I ask, in a not dissimilar way to Gwen Stefani in her exciting self-referential song “What You Waiting For?”?. What currently is the most pressing issue in popular culture?

And then I suddenly realised: ah yes, the best way of determining this is to see what my fanbase are currently googling to find my blog!

I am both alarmed and intrigued by what people are googling to find my blog, but I feel the below list casts an illuminating light over what The People really, really want.

1. “Derren Brown’s boyfriend Mark”

The People are *obsessed* by Derren Brown’s boyfriend, who happens to be called Mark, and all 62 of them must have been very disappointed when they found my site because I once happened to mention Derren Brown’s boyfriend and I’m called Mark. The People’s obsession has led to me being slightly interested myself and therefore I invested ten minutes in a bit of googling. There is a disappointing lack of information on the interweb about Derren Brown’s boyfriend, Mark. I learn only that he is an interior designer. So I understand why the People are frustrated. Not even a picture.

2. “How do the duck and the hippo in the silent night advert make babies?”

I truly love all those who have, like me, also wondered about the Duck and Hippo’s unconventional relationship in the Silent Night Adverts. I have a vague recollection from Biology A Level that two different species can breed (i.e. a horse and a donkey, making a mule) but I imagine they have to be more genetically similar than a hippo and duck. Hope that helps.

Someone also asked: “is the hippo in the silent night advert married to the chick?”. To answer, it’s never been made clear, and there is no obvious wedding rings, but the assumption is yes. Either way, it’s weird and wrong.

3. “F**k I hate yoghurt adverts”

I hear you, I hear you. I also hear the person who asks google “what’s the plural of Petit Filous?”. I think the answer is, one petit filous is too infinitely small and pointless for the brain to comprehend and thereby technically they can only be seen in packs of six. Therefore, Petit Flious automatically refers to the plural. Hope that clears things up.

4. “What is Jason Orange doing right now?”

Why does my blog attract a small but worrying group of Jason Orange stalkers? What kind of internet site would tell you what Jason Orange is doing right now? Not mine, and I also can’t tell you what kind of women he’s into or where you can find naked photos of him.* But please do keep visiting the site.

5. “Can i just say I love how every northeaster ever knows Joe McElderry?”

Ha ha ha, of course you can. FYI, apparently there is a small statue to Joe McElderry in Edinburgh. I wonder if there’s also one of Michelle McManus in Glasgow? If so, I wonder if it is broken and deserted, just like Ozymandias? I’m really pleased by that reference, Literary Agent Flatmate

I can also answer the person who inquired “how much is Joe McElderry worth?”. The answer being, a George Michael-esque single that charts at no.2 and a similar fated album, followed by a successful stint in Joseph.

6. “Boyband Tied Up”.

Um, sometimes you lot freak me out a bit. And I’m not sure those googling this are actually interested in my blog post on how Take That’s “How Deep Is Your Love” video symbolically depicts the disintegration of the archetypal Boyband video (which is where I mention the fact they are tied up).

7. “What is Lady Gaga’s blood group?”

Not a bloody clue. I also don’t know how she made her rib cage bleed at the MTV Music Awards. I guess I can sort of excuse the People’s curiosity about this, as Gaga has recently been touring with a blood fountain on stage. Some less disturbing Gaga googles have been “I hate pop but I love Gaga” (she’s great, isn’t she?), “Lady Gaga loves cats” (me too), “my boyfriend loves Lady Gaga” (good for him! Nothing to be alarmed about there) and “Lady Gaga the next big superstar” (I think you’ve missed the boat there).

8. “Build Me Up Buttercup Glee”

Why are you googling this? This could not happen, could it? The worst song of all time can’t appear in the best TV show of all time? Never! I would explode in confusion!

9. “I hate my birthday it’s so depressing“

I find this quite moving. Hope it wasn’t so rubbish this year. I feel the same way about New Year, FYI.

In fact, my blog seems to be a repository for people feeling a bit down. Over 1,000 people have googled “depressing songs” and found my post of the most depressing songs of all time. Which makes me feel a bit sad myself as my post on why I hate yoghurt adverts was much better.

10. “Suddenly the car was surrounded by what looked like giant bats”

Err, ok then, but I have no idea how my blog can help. Equally intriguing are “rubbing myself” (nice, but again how is my blog relevant?), “People who think they are cats” (I do think I’ve seen that Channel 5 documentary actually so have some thoughts on this) and “depressing party songs” (you should’ve come to our house party 3 years ago).

So there you go, my comeback. I feel quite invigorated by my return to blogging. And anyone who accuses me of rehashing my old material to create my “second album” is just wrong.

*Incidentally, I also don’t know what Shayne Ward’s favourite pastimes are. Sorry. At a guess, I’d say he probably likes a good night on the town but also enjoys the odd night in with some DVDs and a glass of wine.

The Boyfriend has taken to singing Michael Buble “Home”.

During my three weeks in Japan, I have also become obsessed with an amazing invention called Royal Milk Tea. This tastes like english breakfast tea but with a bit of cream in it and maybe fruit. Somehow all these flavours are produced from just a powder (with no milk needed!). Today, the airport town ran out of Royal Milk Tea. I am in crisis.

We find ways to fill the days without spending money. For example, I spend a significant amount of time trying to work out who has de-friended me from Facebook in the last week. I have also learnt that playing Monopoly after four days trapped in an airport hotel is not 100% wise. 

I have now also written a short musical from Lady Gaga songs.

The airline has said we will be flying home on May 4th: 17 days after our scheduled flight. I am zen-like in my reaction, having visited so many Japanese temples in the last three weeks. I do have another solution: