Popular Music
Misheard Lyrics
Jul 18th
I recently did an impressive performance of Diana Vickers’ “Once” at Karaoke. It’s hard to repeat the word “Once” 45 times and not lose your audience, but I think I managed it. Literary Agent Flatmate was there too and was shocked to discover the lyric that leads into each chorus isn’t “I’m gonna get the b**tch who killed me / Once (x45)”, but is actually “I’m only gonna let you kill me / Once (x45)”. I truly wish Vickers had sung Literary Agent Flatmate’s lyric and thereby delivered the first ever pop song from the perspective of a dead person, seeking revenge.
Literary Agent Flatmate’s mistake got me thinking about the other misheard lyrics I’ve come across and how they can change a song’s meaning. Half a day later, I had a top 10 and a blog post. So here are my favourite for you; and please add your own in the comments.
1. Grease: “You’re The One That I Want”
9 years ago my friend Lucy rightly pointed out that the cast of Grease actually sing “you’re the one that I want (you are the vol-au-vent)” rather than this widely believed “you’re the one that I want (you are the one I want)”. The pretentious ex-English Lit student part of me is convinced an amazing Lyricist put this in as a subversive comment on the depressing ending of Grease. Small hollow shells of puff pastry, after all, are a pretty good metaphor for the person Sandy has to become to make Danny like her.
Misheard: “You’re the one that I want (you are the vol-au-vent)”
Actual: “You’re the one that I want (you are the one I want)”
2. Celine Dion: “My Heart Will Go On”
Misheard: “Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the hot dogs go on”
Actual: “Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on”
Any attempt to take Titanic seriously was ruined by the French & Saunders parody. The final nail in the coffin was The Boyfriend pointing out that Celine is actually singing about an impossibly long, omnipresent hot dog.
3. Lady Gaga: “Alejandro”
I think there might be something about me and food. Because my third mishearing is:
Misheard: “I love you boy, hot like Mexico, rejoice! At this point I gotta choose, no vindaloos”
Actual: “I love you boy, hot like Mexico, rejoice! At this point I gotta choose, nothing to lose”
Incidentally, is “hot like Mexico” the best ever simile in a song? Probably yes.
4. Shania Twain: “That Don’t Impress Me Much”
Misheard: “I can’t believe you kiss your [expletive too rude for this family friendly blog] at night”
Actual: “I can’t believe you kiss your car good night”
We used to be allowed the the radio on in class when I studied A Level Art back in the early noughties and every time this song came on the whole class would all sing, shouting out the misheard line. The misheard and actual phrases sound so similar the teacher never realised we were being rude, which was really hilarious. Once you have the first line in your head, you can never hear the real lyrics again. (Shania is right to express disbelief at either scenario).
5. Shania Twain: “That Don’t Impress Me Much”
Misheard: “You’re a regular Reginald, know it all”
Actual: “You’re a regular, original, know it all”
Another from Shania, this mistake was actually made by a karaoke machine and has now stuck. The karaoke machine was much more inventive than the original lyricist: what name better embodies the concept of a “know it all” than Reginald? Apologies to any Reginald’s in my Internet Following.
5. Janet Jackson: “When I Think Of You”
For years, I was convinced that Janet Jackson sung the words “baked bean” in “When I Think Of You”. I now admit that I was probably wrong.
Misheard: “So in love (so in love), ooh (so in love), with you (so in love), baked bean (so in love)”.
Actual: “So in love (so in love), ooh (so in love), with you (so in love), ba-by (so in love)”.
6. Des’ree: “Kissing You”
Is Des’ree’s Kissing You one of the greatest songs never released? Possibly yes. Even if it is lyrically incomprehensible. For years Literary Agent Flatmate believed the opening lyrics were:
Misheard: “While I can stand a thousand trials, Mr Wrong will never fall. The marching stars, without you my soul cries. Bleeding heart…”
Actual: “Pride can stand a thousand trials, the strong will never fall. But watching stars without you, my soul cries. Heaving heart…”
Essentially, quite different songs.
7. Mariah Carey: “Without You”
Misheard: “No, I can’t forget the ceiling, or your face as you were leaving”
Actual: “No, I can’t forget this evening, or your face as you were leaving”
I always loved the idea that Mariah (even though she didn’t write it, and it’s a cover) was being really clever here and suggesting she’d spent all night unable to sleep, pondered her about-to-end relationship, and therefore had been staring at the ceiling for approximately 12 hours. For me that whole pre-story was summed up in those first six words. Never mind. A much ruder mishearing of this song is here.
8. Lady Gaga: “Bad Romance”
Misheard: “I want your psycho, your vertical stick. Want you tomorrow when no baby is sick.”
Actual: “I want your psycho, your vertigo stick. Want you in my rear window, baby you’re sick”
I had no idea what Gaga was on about here (although I suspected that “vertical stick” was a bad Mills & Boons-esque euphemism and I’d also constructed a small back story around Gaga’s love interest in Bad Romance being married; and his child was ill today so he had to cancel their rendezvous). In actuality, Gaga is being much cleverer than I could have imagined and referring to a range of Hitchcock movies: Psycho, Vertigo and Rear Window. I *actually* love her.
9. Take That: “Back For Good”
My housemate was convinced that Gary Barlow was singing “Wash your back” rather than “want you back” throughout this song. I also thought that Barlow sung: “we will never be uncommon again” when it’s actually “uncovered again”. Neither of these interpretations make any sense, but I’m at number nine and struggling a bit, so they will do nicely.
Misheard: “Want you back for good (wash your back, wash your back)”
Actual: “Want you back for good (want you back, want you back)”
10. Bowling For Soup: “Girl All The Bad Guys Want”
Misheard: “She doesn’t notice me cos she’s watching West Wing”
Actual: “She doesn’t notice me cos she’s watching Wrestling”
Suggested by one of my Twitter friends, I wish the song did actually refer to the popular American TV series, the West Wing. And that watching it was the epitome of cool. Excitingly, this is the first time the blog has ventured into the musical genre of pop-punk.
Fell free to share your own in the comments section! And visit this brilliant website for more.
Some love for John Barrowman
Jul 10th
Recently, The Boyfriend banned me from using the word “hate” for a week, whilst I banned him from saying “meh”. Apparently I use “hate” far too much when I don’t really mean it (“I hate the morning”; “I hate Hollyoaks now John Paul isn’t in it”; “My iPhone has crashed. I hate it”). I couldn’t help but wonder: is there too much hate in my Blog? Blog posts including “Why I Hate Yoghurt Adverts”; “What Is The Most Depressing Song Of All Time?”; “The Top 10 Worst Lyrics (Of Recent Years)” suggest possibly yes.
Turning over a new leaf, I’ve embarked on a new direction: a post full of Love, inspired by, who else but “singer, actor, dancer, musical performer, and media personality” John Barrowman. And why does JB deserve such love, you ask? “You fools!” I say, ”here are a mere 10 reasons why”.
1. It’s John Barrowman’s fault that I’m gay
Does anyone remember an amazing children’s TV show circa 1994 called “The Movie Game”, which JB presented? I do, because it was BRILLIANT and, in it, contestants made their way around a life-size board game, landing on squares that magicaly transported you to a movie set for an exciting challenge.
Onto the point: it was watching this show aged 12 that I realised that the American host was very attractive – and thereby by extension that the male sex were generally so too. If JB – the epitome of male attractiveness – hadn’t been on tele at this pivotal moment in my life, would I still be gay? I’m not 100% sure.
2. He presented “Live & Kicking”
There was no better way to spend a Saturday morning in your early teens than sat next to the video recorder frantically jabbing the record button to ensure that every 10 second snippet of your favourite band who were on Live & Kicking that week was recorded for posterity. And JB presented it.
3. He stared in “Megaladon: Shark Attack 3”
Who doesn’t love a good shark attack movie? It’s a little known fact that JB starred in one of the best. Megaldaon 3 is a straight-to-video epic tale of a prehistoric 100 foot shark from the ice age terrorising a small US sea-side community. Unfortunately the budget didn’t match the creative ambition of the project and it looks like they could only afford the one stock image of a shark jumping out of the water. This doesn’t ruin the film’s impact though as I barely noticed that every time someone was eaten the same clip of a shark leaping out of the water was shown with various victims superimposed on top. As if it couldn’t get better, the film also includes JB articulating the most wildly inappropriate one-liner ever (too rude for this Blog). All of it makes me love JB more.
4. He was a first
JB’s character of Captain Jack in Doctor Who and Torchwood broke boundaries. He was the first non-heterosexual action hero in a mainstream TV show – and in a children’s TV show to boot.
Plus, the 5-parter of Torchwood on BBC was genuinely one of the best shows on tele last year. John Barrowman was pretty epic in it; especially when he happened to get naked whilst being stuck in a concrete block.
5. He has two accents
In 2008, JB took part in a BBC Documentary, to determine why he was gay (nature, nurture, etc). This led to an interesting moment where JB wired up his private parts to sensors and was then made to look at nice pictures of men to see if he fancied them. (I sometimes wonder if the wiring of the privates was really necessary in the name of science? He could probably have just told us if he liked the nice pictures of men). Anyway, there was a genuinely monumental discovery in this Documentary, when JB travelled home to meet his Scottish parents and without warning erupted into a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SCOTTISH ACCENT. It was so Scottish he practically became a walking bagpipe. I cannot express how much I love it when he says: “You dressed me in a bikini!”.
6. He’s a Leading Man
Star of too many musicals to mention, his leading man status was best epitomised for me in the amazing TV show he hosted recently where celebrities sang classics from musicals. JB comes on at the end to perform, starting with an amazing Jesus Christ Superstar, which he merges seamlessly into the Rocky Horror Show. Then something odd happens and for some reason other people who are not JB sing for a while; and then everything is good again when JB reappears and belts out an amazing “One Day More” from Les Mis to end. Watch it to believe it.
7. He knows how to judge a Reality TV Show
Who else could get away with tasks like “all the contestants must kiss me and through this I’ll pick which one would make the best Maria in the Sound of Music”?
8. He duets like no one has before
Any of you who read my blog during the X Factor would know, I love gender reversal in songs. JB, unafraid to challenge stereotypes, recently took on “I Know Him So Well” with the lovely Daniel Boys – a classic musical duet sang by two women in love with the same man. There are so few songs sang by men that are overtly about men, which makes this bloody refreshing to hear.
9. He provided the world with an emotional life-anthem
Whilst we’re on music, his cover of “I Made It Through the Rain” become a phenomena last year when radio presenter Chris Moyles tried to get it to the top of the charts. It is a monumental, epic ballad about triumphing through adversity and when JB sings about his parade you just know it’s undoubtedly great.
10. He’s a great role model
And, can I end with a disclaimer at the bottom please, just in case JB ever reads this (which is, no doubt, likely). Despite the occasional moments of affectionate ribbing above (characteristic of my posts) I genuinely think JB is great. As an openly gay, married man he’s a fantastic role model for young gay people. And I particularly love the below glimpse into his married life.
JB, if you’re reading, the blog would also really love a signed photo.
Right, there you go. I used the world love at least eleven times in that post, so the Boyfriend should be very pleased.
P.S. I refuse to acknowledge the rumours about him and birthday cake.